What Worked (and Didn’t) in Our Co-Parenting Last Year: A Gentle Reflection Guide for Moving Forward into the New Year
The end of a year has a way of inviting reflection — even when we’re not sure we’re ready for it. For co-parents, looking back can bring up pride, grief, frustration, relief, or all of it at once. It can highlight growth we didn’t notice in the moment, and patterns we hoped would have changed by now.
This reflection isn’t about grading your co-parenting or reopening old wounds. It’s about noticing — without judgment — what supported your child, what supported you, and what may need to shift as you move forward.
You can do this reflection on your own, or — if it feels safe and appropriate — with your co-parent. There’s no “right” way to do it.
First, a Ground Rule: This Is Not About Blame
Before reflecting, it helps to name this clearly:
Not everything that didn’t work was within your control.
Not everything that worked required perfection.
Growth doesn’t always look like closeness or harmony.
Sometimes progress looks like less engagement, clearer boundaries, or fewer emotional spikes. That counts.
What Worked Last Year
You might be tempted to skip this part. Don’t. Even in difficult co-parenting dynamics, something usually worked — even if it was small. And, reflecting on what worked can help you feel progress and can be a strength to expand on.
Consider reflecting on questions like:
When did communication feel most manageable?
What routines or agreements helped our child feel more stable?
What boundaries protected my peace?
When did I feel most grounded as a parent?
What did I stop doing that actually helped?
Examples of things that often work:
Fewer, more structured messages
Predictable schedules
Neutral or business-like communication
Letting go of being understood
Letting go of receiving an apology or acknowledgement for hurt caused during the marriage
Focusing on the child instead of the relationship
If you’re reflecting together, this is a place to acknowledge effort — not to score points.
What Didn’t Work (and That’s Okay)
This is where honesty matters most — and where compassion matters even more.
Ask yourself:
What drained me emotionally?
What conflicts repeated themselves?
Where did I overextend or over-explain?
What expectations weren’t realistic?
What did I keep trying, hoping it would finally change?
What didn’t work isn’t a failure — it’s information.
Sometimes what didn’t work was:
Trying to co-parent like friends
Pushing for agreement instead of clarity
Responding too quickly
Ignoring your own limits
Expecting last year’s version of you to carry this year’s load
You’re allowed to learn from that without shaming yourself or your co-parent.
What Our Child Responded To:
At the heart of co-parenting is a child who adapts more than we realize.
Reflect on:
When did our child seem most regulated?
What transitions went more smoothly?
Where did consistency matter more than flexibility?
What did our child not need us to fix?
Often, children benefit most from predictability and emotional safety — not perfection or constant agreement between parents.
What Needs to Change Moving Forward
This isn’t about making big promises. It’s about making intentional adjustments.
You might ask:
What is one pattern I don’t want to repeat?
What boundary needs reinforcing?
What can I stop doing this year?
What do I want to protect more fiercely — my energy, my time, my peace?
Change doesn’t require a full reset. Sometimes it’s just choosing less of what hurts and more of what steadies you. Try setting one intention for co-parenting in the new year.
If You’re Reflecting Together
If you’re doing this as a shared reflection:
Focus on observations, not accusations
Speak from your own experience (“I noticed…”)
Avoid revisiting old arguments
End with one shared intention, not a list of demands
If reflecting together doesn’t feel safe or productive, it’s okay to do this work on your own. Your insight still matters.
A Final Reminder
You don’t need to rewrite your entire co-parenting dynamic to move forward.
Sometimes growth looks like:
Shorter responses
Quicker recovery after conflict
Stronger internal boundaries
More confidence in your choices
Last year doesn’t define you — it informs you. As you step into a new year, let reflection be a tool for clarity, not criticism. You’re allowed to carry forward what worked, release what didn’t, and choose a path that supports both your child and yourself.
